Sleepy eyes

I have sleepy eyes.

Time for bed! 

But I thought I would post for a moment.

I found out a friend of mine from college is reading this!  Crazy!  I honestly didn't think anyone other than the mysterious "reel oscar committee" was reading it!~

I'll call her CC to protect her anonymity.

And because it's fun for me.

When I was little my sister called me TT.

That was traumatic.

This is just fun and feels a little devilish.

I should get out more.

Anyway-

CC reached out to me the other day via IM and it was truly life changing for me.

I realized I've been totally hiding out, avoiding all the people from my past because I figured they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me.  I am sitting her shaking my head as I type this.

It's one of those things that as you are thinking it, rationalizing it, it makes total sense.

CC has been reading the blog, and she let me know that she thought I was courageous.  It was this flood of relief - like adrenaline, coursing through my veins.  She reminded me that I have always been searching for what I wanted, and was glad I am now finding things that are making me happy.  Isn't that so cool?

She reminded me that hiding out is no way to live.

Thank you, CC!  So much love and gratitude.

I don't remember exactly who I was back in college, so it's nice to take a trip back.

She is right though - my whole life it seems that I have been searching. 

I like that.

It keeps me in a constant state of expansion.

And at times in a state of anxiety!  But I am learning how not to go there!

It's true - I am finding people and passions that are making me happy.

Like today - I woke up in a bad mood. 

Don't you hate when that happens?

And I get that I can adjust that - change that - Turn that frown upside down, yada yada.

But really - I was just pissy.

I was feeling whiny and sorry for myself and lethargic and totally depressed.

I took Bella to the park and was going to bring my journal, but instead, I brought the camera.

And I shot all kinds of cool Bella footage.

And I felt Alive.

I was back!

Man - I am meant to create shots.  I know that.  It is so fulfilling to me.  I got this really cool shot of her jumping on the ball, and I was dancing around this tree in the park singing the " I gotta cool shot" song.

If you don't know that song, don't worry.

I just made it up.

I saw Josephine tonight and reminded her about how much Project Reel has changed my life.

CC IM'ing me was icing on the cake.

Thanks to this blog - which I TOTALLY resisted - I feel a new sense of freedom.

I've built quite a tall sturdy wall around me over the years, so it'll take a little time to break it down, but I am getting there.

I am getting there.