No Subject on Purpose

I have a friend who hates when you send her an email with no subject line.

It's almost 11 on Friday.

I am feeling the crunch of the deadline.

I went to a cocktail party tonight and just wasn't feeling it at all.

It was weird for me...there is this thing that happens in Hollywood where you go somewhere, and all the conversation is is about "what are you working on now" and it really bugs me sometimes!

I am really proud of what I am working on, but you know - it would be nice to talk about something else.  Or not.  I mean, we could talk about politics, but then I'd probably get all worked up and come home with an ulcer. 

I'm just in a funky mood today.

But tonight I thought about how nice it would be to be able to just relax.

I am feeling a bit nostalgic and homesick.

I just spent a chunk of time reading all these old stories of life in the HAT.  That was the name of the theatre building that I studied in at USM.

It has since been torn down, and now the students study in a state of the art theatre.

But I was reminded of a show I did called The Serpent.

I think it was 8 of us that together created "the serpent" 

We had to wear these little loin cloths, and then we were covered in green oatmeal/mud stuff.

And then we slid all over the floor and delivered our lines in a "greek chorus" like manner.

Oh Live Theatre!!

I had completely forgotten about that.

Why I would want to block out that memory I can't fathom...

I got an email from a friend of mine that I have known since Kindergarden.

That is a LONG time!

She was the one who told CC about this blog.

It's still a little mind blowing to me that people have read this.

But anyway - it was an incredible email to get, and again I was blown away - just stopped dead in my tracks, and completely moved.  

 I realize is that I don't give myself enough credit.

And then I don't give the people in my life credit. 

I say that it is hard to be on the end of other people's fear and generalizations - and I have been doing that to other people!

What a gift.

Who knew that my time in Project Reel would create so much love, joy and freedom in my life.

I am blessed.

And grateful.

And hungry.

I am feeling overwhelmed with my footage.

And it's only a 10 minute film!

My hat goes off - hell - whatever I have on goes off in complete reverence to editors who edit big things!  It's a bitch.

I love it.

But it's a bitch.

My parents are flying out for reel oscars!

How cool is that?

I am so excited to have them here - the evening should be really fun.

This will be the first thing they have seen me in in a while...so it's really special to me.

Hey-- did you know that when you consume alcohol it reduces your bodies fat burning capacity by 73%.  That is insane.  And it makes me really tempted to dump my Jim Beam.

Just something I learned recently.

Tomorrow I am going to sign up for classes at a spinning studio right down the street.

They are having a special for first time students - 10 classes for 50 bucks!  Sweet!

So now when I get all loopy for the next week on this damn final cut, I can go spin.

And get a nice tight tush in the process.

Ok - I am going to go back to work.

 

Sleepy eyes

I have sleepy eyes.

Time for bed! 

But I thought I would post for a moment.

I found out a friend of mine from college is reading this!  Crazy!  I honestly didn't think anyone other than the mysterious "reel oscar committee" was reading it!~

I'll call her CC to protect her anonymity.

And because it's fun for me.

When I was little my sister called me TT.

That was traumatic.

This is just fun and feels a little devilish.

I should get out more.

Anyway-

CC reached out to me the other day via IM and it was truly life changing for me.

I realized I've been totally hiding out, avoiding all the people from my past because I figured they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me.  I am sitting her shaking my head as I type this.

It's one of those things that as you are thinking it, rationalizing it, it makes total sense.

CC has been reading the blog, and she let me know that she thought I was courageous.  It was this flood of relief - like adrenaline, coursing through my veins.  She reminded me that I have always been searching for what I wanted, and was glad I am now finding things that are making me happy.  Isn't that so cool?

She reminded me that hiding out is no way to live.

Thank you, CC!  So much love and gratitude.

I don't remember exactly who I was back in college, so it's nice to take a trip back.

She is right though - my whole life it seems that I have been searching. 

I like that.

It keeps me in a constant state of expansion.

And at times in a state of anxiety!  But I am learning how not to go there!

It's true - I am finding people and passions that are making me happy.

Like today - I woke up in a bad mood. 

Don't you hate when that happens?

And I get that I can adjust that - change that - Turn that frown upside down, yada yada.

But really - I was just pissy.

I was feeling whiny and sorry for myself and lethargic and totally depressed.

I took Bella to the park and was going to bring my journal, but instead, I brought the camera.

And I shot all kinds of cool Bella footage.

And I felt Alive.

I was back!

Man - I am meant to create shots.  I know that.  It is so fulfilling to me.  I got this really cool shot of her jumping on the ball, and I was dancing around this tree in the park singing the " I gotta cool shot" song.

If you don't know that song, don't worry.

I just made it up.

I saw Josephine tonight and reminded her about how much Project Reel has changed my life.

CC IM'ing me was icing on the cake.

Thanks to this blog - which I TOTALLY resisted - I feel a new sense of freedom.

I've built quite a tall sturdy wall around me over the years, so it'll take a little time to break it down, but I am getting there.

I am getting there.

Aftershocks

Well - It's Wednesday.

2 days with no project reel.

I have to be honest though - I've been so exhausted that I haven't been able to truly suffer the pangs of "it's over"

And the reality is, it isn't over.  It's really just begun. 

That reminds me of the Carpenters song -It's only just begun.

When I was in the 7th grade, we sang it to the graduating 8th grade class.

It was pretty bad if memory serves me.

ANYWAY - I'm trying to figure out how to condense everything I want to say.

I don't know that I will be able to.  So - if you need to stop reading and come back - do that.  I discovered today that people are reading this. IT was a surprise to me. I'll tell you all about that. But first- lets talk about the shoot with Apple.  Holy Moly.  What a week. What an experience.

I just spent forever on Facebook, avoiding writing and editing.  That's insane.  I'm back though.  Don't worry.

OK. So - the week before we shot - last week to be exact - was a nightmare.  Seriously.  And I am not alone in thinking that.  It was stressful.  People were cranky.  People were sensitive. Nerves frayed.  Egos flared.  We got all out of sorts.  And then we came to.  We got right back on track.  But not till Thursday night at 10:30!  We realized we had been feeling very disconnected from the project.  All the other ones were personal - our stories.  This was someone else's story.  Someone we had only met for 10 minutes or so.  And someone who just happens to be an international rock star.  No pressure.  

We felt like we had to do something other than what we had already been doing. 

I take that back.  I don't want to speak for everyone.

I felt like we had to do something other than what we had already been doing.

And I felt like there was a lot of pressure.

When we discussed what we had done well and what we needed to work on - the truth prevailed.  We realized we were all disconnected.  Even our fearless leader!  Her admission of that created so much freedom - and we were all one again.

Saturday we headed for Long Beach.

I was DP. 

I wanted to be DP, and then when we picked them from the hat, I got it!  Initially I was going to support Silas, but then he said NOPE - I needed to be DP.  It was a fancy dancy camera, and lots of crazy angles, swoops, etc.  But I was ready.

Saturday was fun.  But exhausting.  We started in a small park near Suzannes house.  We met up with Apple and had him just sing the song once, feel it out, and we recorded it.  It was incredible.  I was there, right up in his face with this camera.  And he seemed a bit uncomfortable at first, but he opened up to the camera.  It's an indescribable experience to be on the other end of that.  I got crazy with the camera, moving all around - getting close - back to wide shots...it was such a rush.  I am so turned on by the camera.  Just writing this gets my heart racing.

We then got down to shooting.  We did this cool shot of Apple walking down the street.  I had to walk in front of him, backwards - filming.  Silas got us an 8mm camera too.  That was a blast! The film is so expensive that you have to be very selective of what to shoot.  We also had a volunteer still photographer there. At one point, Apple was walking down the sidewalk, rapping.  Silas and I are walking very quickly backwards, capturing him.  WE are having to get around cars, get the shot - the photographer is running and snapping - it was a true Hollywood moment that I will never forget.

Later we were in a park with 50 or so kids.  They were all chasing apple, and we were chasing them with the cameras - 

I want to let you know that the camera I was working with most of the time weighed about 8-10 pounds.  That gets really heavy.  Especially when you are running!  My body hurt in a way I didn't know it could hurt!

We had Sunday off - and so I threw a bridal shower for my BF Wendy. 

On Friday, I was like "Oh shit. I have to throw this shower!"

It was a hit.  Wendy Loved it, and that's all that matters.

Now for Monday.

Are you ready?  Are you still with me?  Stand up, stretch out - Don't leave your seat - O K A Y .... now we're back.

Monday we headed back to Long Beach.

We went to the boat dock.  Or a boat dock.  We had a sailboat waiting for us.  A BIG sailboat.

We explored and helped clean, and after what seemed like an eternity, our sailor John said he had fixed the motor and we were OFF!!

We sailed out through the break wall into the big ole sea. 

It was a blast.  

I was all over that boat, shooting Apple, trying to keep my balance, and just in awe of our surroundings.  We got out to the open Ocean, put the sails up and then waited for the helicopter. 

Wait - did I just say helicopter? 

YES I did!  We had a helicopter donated.   A helicopter.

And thank God above that I didn't have to ride in it.  Earlier in the week we had discussed that.  I very politely said - Hell no I'm not going up in a freaking helicopter! Are you crazy!

So - I got out of it.

Instead I had to hide in the boats cabin along with everyone else as the copter swooped by and got areal shots of Apple driving the boat.  We were all underneath like school kids - OH MY GOD!  THERE IT IS!  ITS SO COOL!  I got a cramp in my cheek from smiling so much.  It was so much fun.  And then all of a sudden - SEA SICK.  

Have you ever had that experience?  It sucks.  I really thought I was going to barf.  I kept having to sneak up to deck to get fresh air as the copter was making it's way back around.  We got all the aerial shots, and then we headed back to land.  For the majority of that trip back, I was miserable.  But as I started to feel better, I laid down on the boat, and just stared at the sky and got present to how freaking lucky I am.  On a Monday afternoon - I was out in a boat, in the middle of the ocean, with my new love - the camera - making magic.

Our next location was a beach.  We did another one of those walking shots - this time in the sand so it was easier.  It was hot as hell - so as soon as we finished there - I ran and jumped in the water.  Trey followed - then Silas.  I felt like a kid again!  It was such a great idea - until I had to get out of my wet pants and put on jeans...in the car - with sand all over my feet - Oy.

Last stop.

Private Jet. 

We lined up outside this jet for the final scene.  It was surreal.

Silas texted me to let me know that the footage rocked.

He said - "you are officially gifted with the camera"

That is so great to hear.

I love it - and have such a great time with it - and to get that feedback is priceless.

I am going to edit now for a bit.

I'll make my other bit of this a fresh new post.

So go get some tea. Or a cocktail - and come back!

The final night

Tonight marks our last night in our evening sessions.

And we are back on track.

Thank God.

It has been a long road.  And this week in particular was really tough.

Tonight we rallied.

Tonight we came together and we made it.

It was a beautiful experience.  And I'll tell you more about it in the morning.

Right now - I'm tired!

Come out, come out wherever you are...

Last night was great.

I got to Blank Spaces, still in my weird head space that started on Monday.

By the end of the night, I felt like I had come back.

One of the things that we talked about last night, or that I shared last night, was the impact that making my film has had on me.  As I have mentioned before, it is a dream come true.  You know, Duffy and I were talking today about what happens when you get what you want.  Andre said last night that we never really reach "success".  You achieve something, but then there is always, the next level.  So - here I am, with a film I am really proud of and the possibilities it creates for me. I'd love to expand it and see where it can go.

But what comes along with it, is me accepting my truth.

That was the "message" that I wanted to pass along with it.

That until you accept the truth of who you are, no one else can.  Funny how I was totally prepared to gift that to whoever watched it, but somehow forgot that it applies to me to!

So - now I have a film about the gay girl that no one knows is gay and her journey through that.

And I have people in my life that don't know the truth of who I am, and they want to see this.  So I'm like "great.  I guess I'll be coming out by way of film!"  And then I get all weird about "coming out"  I mean in reality, it's no one's business.  And it shouldn't matter at all.  If someone has an issue with it, that's theirs.  Not mine.  I get all that on an intellectual level, but on a heart level I still struggle with it.  

The people I love know.  And the people who know me now know.

It's the people I grew up with or went to college with who I haven't hung out with in YEARS who I get all freaky about.  And I have to remind myself that A) they probably won't care.

B) They might have had an inkling...  and C) if they do get all weird about it, I don't hang with them anyway so it's not like I'm losing anything.

And what's available for me is freedom.  True freedom and acceptance.

Ahhh life.  What a beautiful journey, eh?

Morning thoughts

Hey there-
Wednesday morning.
Listening to a yoga class.
I seva at a yoga studio - which means that I come in and work once a week for 4 hours for unlimited yoga classes.

Being here is wonderful. The energy in this space is so calming and peaceful. I have been doing my own little practice in the office. One of my favorite poses is headstand. It's so cool to be upside down. Gets the blood flowing in the opposite direction, what an amazing idea. I love Yoga. It makes my head quite down, and the connection that I feel with my body is incredible. Last week in class the teacher asked us to continue to trust and push ourselves in the poses. She asked us to be aware of when the mind tells us we can't do anymore, but the body says "yes I can" My body was always able to do more than my mind gave it credit for. I started to wonder how prevalent that is in the rest of my life. Where does my mind tell me I am not able - and in reality, I am? Everywhere. I am sure of it!
I have an idea for a trilogy of short films. And my mind says - "yeah - it's a good idea, but not really possible. You don't have the money, the time, etc" But in reality - I do. I am promising to shoot that trilogy when project reel is over.
There is a part of me that is scared that once PR is done, that I won't be able to do this anymore. So I gotta give that up!
So much fear. Everywhere. Not just me, I know! And I realize that if I break through my fear, that I can help other people do the same. Why shouldn't I create all these wacky ideas in my head? They don't all belong to me...they are floating around in the ether...so what makes me think I shouldn't do them and then let someone else grab on? The time is now - yes? Yes. I talked about that in my initial interview with Josephine. I have spent my life saying "Oh yeah, I'll shoot that or perform that or write that tomorrow...today I have to "survive". But you know what - today is yesterday's tomorrow. So yesterday I said I would do something tomorrow, but today is tomorrow, and I am still looking towards "tomorrow". So - the only time is now. Now now now.
I love that I live in Los Angeles. So grateful for this City of Angels. Living here can be very challenging. Traffic. Costs. The "industry"
But here I have really found out who I am. I am sitting in a yoga studio, being contemplative - and I study about esoteric truths. I long to be able to meditate in a way that I can eventually "transcend the mind". I respect my body and think about what I eat, what I put in it and how it moves to serve me. I eat no red meat or pork and only chicken that gets to roam free with no antibiotics! I make fruit smoothies with hemp protein. I vote for liberal politicians and can't wait for Obama to win. I believe we all have the right to be acknowledged as equals- wheter we are gay or straight or black or white or asian or latino...I wear surfer flip flops. I own a crystal necklace that enhances divine energy - and I read books by shirly maclaine about lost civilizations! I am one of those "Wacky californians" that people talk about. And I thank God that I am!
My film is about owning your truth.
And I know that many people don't have the chance to do that.
I do.
And for that I am so grateful.

Week 4

We are now in week 4 of Project Reel.

I was completely out of it tonight.

Before I left, I got all disoriented, and so I arrived completely out of sorts.

We shot my film this weekend.

Wow.

What a journey.

It definitely was a dream come true to shoot a short film that I created.  And I am extremely proud.  I was able to see the footage, and it looks really great.  There is one small scene I am going to re-shoot.  I am editing my own version of this as well, to use for myself outside of PR.

I want to bring it to a producer, and let them know I have 8-10 other episodes ready to go!  It's going to be a FUN series.

On a whim I asked a new friend of mine Ro to play my best friend.

She was hysterical!  And is a pivotal part of the other episodes I want to shoot.

I talked to her today, and she is in!

I also got to work with an old friend of mine, Chris Mur.

We go way back.

We were Universal Studios Tour Guides together about 5 years ago.

He always makes me laugh, and he certainly did that on Saturday.

I don't want to ruin the surprise for you - but he has a bit that is HYSTERICAL. He made it Hysterical.  It was just funny.  He cranked it up.

And what a blessing to have Caryl.

She played the mom character in this.

So much fun.

Branson came in tonight to talk about editing.

Perfect timing.

I just entered the footage into Final Cut Express.

When I bought myself this computer last summer, I added on final Cut.  But I haven't ever used it.  I've just relied on Imovie.  But - I figured it was time to take it up a notch.  One of my teachers Linda reminds me that risk creates expansion.  I sometimes believe that risk and change mean failure/disaster/death.  What a cheery outlook, eh?  I am changing that though - (thank you Linda!)

So - I am changing my style and jumping into the more Professional editing modes.

Branson gave us so many tips tonight, I can't wait to start in and see what I can create!

I wrote a while ago about the gap and how pronounced it is.

The gap of what I want to do vs what I "have" to do.

It is definitely challenging, and it's shifting and shaping me.

I realized today that I used to spend 90% of my time worrying about my day jobs, am I doing a good job - stressing out about what I need to do for that.  And 10% of my energy would go towards making my creative dreams come true.

That has changed since project reel.

And it's making me aware that I may have to make some major changes.

I realized today that my "day job" feels more like a "Career" and it's not a career I am inspired by.  At All.  I signed on a few months ago to do one thing, and it has evolved into something completely different.  Sales is now a big part of my job.  Uhhh - yuck.  I do not like sales.  The job is ever changing, and I feel like I can never just let it go.  I have to take it home with me.  I work out of my home, but there is no real - OK - done.  There are always the running - I gotta call him back, gotta make sure I get this booked, schedule this, etc.

Now - if the money were right, this may not be such a big deal. BUT - I'm not rolling in it.

So - I am considering finding a day job that I can detach from.

I'll keep you posted on that.

In the meantime, I am looking into film schools/programs.

I do know now, that this is the industry I am meant to be in.

And my heart swells knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be.

A year ago I went to see these 2 shaman.

They told me that they saw me in the biz, but that most of my success was going to be in the production side.  Now last year, I was a different person than I am today, and could not hear that.  But perhaps they were right!  There is a picture from Saturday of me behind the camera with Q looking over me.  IT is one of my favorite pictures I've ever seen of myself.  I look good behind the camera!  I think I can add pics to this, so I will let you see it.

I wanna learn more about directing and cinematography.

So if anyone reading this wants to create a scholarship fund for me - I will accept it with open arms and a heart of gratitude!  Just putting it out there!  You never know!

Talk soon-

f